Wall s long emotional article in the past: I have experienced the darkest moments of my life, but I m still here

August 20 Wall updated his social media and announced that he would officially retire.

In 2022, Wall published a long article in "Star Stand", reviewing his bumpy basketball career. The original text is as follows:

I almost committed suicide.

This is an unspeakable thing. But one of the major characteristics of me is realness, and I am still the same today. I won't hide the facts. In fact, two years ago, my life fell into darkness and I couldn’t see a way out. I know this may sound crazy to some people. I already know what you will judge me.

"Brother, you have so much money, what else can you be upset about? You are John Wall."

Listen, I know who I am. I am a despicable person. I was like being knocked down in a boxing ring and getting up again, repeating it a hundred times. I went from being a skinny kid who grew up in the Eighth District of Raleigh (North Carolina and Wake County capital) to the No. 1 pick in the NBA – I’ve experienced all the ups and downs, including those bad things. I know who I am, what I represent, and I know how many people need to hear this. So I'm not afraid to reveal it to you, I've been in a very dark situation, and suicide seems to be the only option.

I mean, we shouldn't even mention the word, right? This is almost a taboo, especially for the group I belong to. Then, let me talk about why I say that.

For me, everything happened too quickly. In three years, I went from standing on the top of the world to losing almost everything I cared about. In 2017, after helping the team drag the series with the Celtics into tiebreak, I jumped onto the technical table at home. At that time, I thought I was the king of the city and I wanted to renew my contract with a maximum salary. I was a Wizards all my life. But a year later, my Achilles tendon torn and lost the only shelter I knew - the basketball game. My foot was seriously infected due to surgery and almost got amputated. A year later, I lost my best friend in this world - my mom. She died of breast cancer.

You must know that I call my mother the best friend in the world, which is not a bit exaggerated. I have had two nicknames since I was a child. One is "Crazy J" because I was particularly crazy at the time. Ha ha. In the past, my brothers dared to do whatever they asked me to do. They made me jump from the roof to the bush, and although it was stupid, I dared to do it. My other nickname is "Momma's Boy", and you know why. My father has been in jail since I was one year old, and he died of liver cancer when I was nine. They let him out of prison just to say goodbye to us. I still remember how he looked in the No. 84 Vikings jersey of Randy Moss (Rugby Player), and that was my last day with him. Until now, I still don't like going to the beach because our family went to the first and last time we went out. My brother was also jailed later. So my mom is my whole world. She would work three jobs to support our lives (for several months, if we had to spend money to compete at the Amateur Sports Federation, then our lives would definitely be very tight).

When I was a kid, I never bought basketball shoes at Foot Locker (a sporting goods store in the United States). We bought all of our stuff at the flea market. I was the kid who went to basketball training in And1 bought from the clearance shelves of the sneaker carnival. When I was a child, I often got angry and always liked to be naughty. Without the love of my mother, alas, I don’t know what I would be like. She often drove me to the gate of the primary school for 45 minutes, and then waited for me to get out of school in the parking lot because she knew that I was 50% expelled because I didn't listen to the teacher. And I often walk out of school with my hands high and get in the car, as if they were asking the referee for a foul, but I was innocent.

I would say, "I don't know what I did...Yo, these teachers are crazy." Hahaha. She would just sit there and shake her head, as if saying, "Look, that's why I don't drive home."

Everything I did was for my mom. My mission is to be kind to her for the rest of my life. I realized all our dreams. But what I don't know is that we will be together for so short. I have something I will never forget, and that was a few years ago, before she was sick, I was invited to the White House reporter dinner, which was the last reporter dinner held during President Obama's office, so of course I would bring my mom as my female companion. You don't know how excited she was there that night. She held a small wine glass in her hand and met every celebrity she wanted to meet. Someone would say, "Oh! This is John Wall! Let's take a photo!" Then my mom would say, "Hey?? I'm John Wall's mom. You should take a photo with me too!" I pulled her aside and said, "Mom! You can't treat them like this. We're in the White House!!"

When she met Tony Romo (former Dallas Cowboys star), she went completely crazy. She is the number one fan of the Cowboys. "Tony!! Tony!! Oh my God, I need to take a photo with you, just me and you, Tony!!"

That night, we exchanged characters. I'm just a photographer. She is a star. I know everyone thinks their mom is the best in the world, but that night I saw her glittering, so I thought, Oh my god, my mom is really the best in the world.

From working three jobs in Raleigh's Eighth District to stealing the limelight at a reporter's dinner at the White House.

We even had the opportunity to take a photo with President Obama and Mrs. Michelle. Do you know what my mom said to them? "You guys are all so cool. Thank you for inviting us. It's so cool. I remembered every bit of it with them, such as they wanted me to send them to school on the start of school day, to let me spend their first holiday with them, or to watch me play a real NBA game, not just watch some exciting highlights from the past. These thoughts supported me through many difficult nights. But to be honest, just being a father is not enough to save myself. This is the illusion brought to me by depression. The devil on his shoulder whispered to me, "Well, maybe they would have lived a better life without you."

I prayed to God, hoping that He would give me strength, and woke up the next morning. Then, one night, my mother came to me in a dream, just like she was standing by me in reality. She looked into my eyes and said, "You have to live for your children. You have a lot to do in this world."

It feels like God's will. I spent a while thinking hard, but finally decided to talk to someone around me and said the most important thing...

"Hey! I need help!"

These six words changed my life.

Since then, I started to see a psychologist and everything slowly got better. As I said, I don't know how others feel. I don't want to preach to anyone either. But for me, I feel like I've been playing the "Survivor Game" all my life. The environment where I was born, everything I went through forced me to grow up quickly. When I was nine years old, I had to be a man in my family. So, under whatever circumstances, my whole idea was: "I don't need anyone's help. I can do it myself. I've overcome layers of difficulties before, why can't this time?"

The environment creates a person's character, which is not entirely a bad thing. I think this may be a blessing or a curse. Being a inferior and despicable person, I must make myself indestructible and meet all challenges. I am such a person. But one day, you will encounter difficulties that you cannot face alone, and you need to muster up the courage to seek help from others.

Listen, you all know who I am, you all know my style of doing things and my usual position. If I could give up my self-esteem early and admit that I was not doing well, then no one would tell you stories here. To this day, I am still seeing a psychologist and I am still trying to remove the burden on me by all the crazy things I have experienced in the past. I'll keep doing this because I really don't know when I'll fall into darkness again. So, what about now? I feel much better now, better than in previous years. I feel like I can breathe fresh air again. I found a sense of peace. Every morning I wake up, I do what I love - playing basketball (this is my job), being a good father to the children, and living with my mother's spiritual legacy and hope.

When I looked at my youngest son and looked at him giggling with his lower lip, I thought, "Ah! He is really like my mother. I can still see her shadow here."

When my eldest son ran into the room and jumped onto me, he would shout, "Ah hahahahahahaha!!! My dad John Wall!!!"

This is what I meant to live.

I know you heard me say this not long ago, when Paul George and I were playing jungle ball, I shouted "I'm back" at the camera.

This is true, I'm really back. But this sentence has a deeper meaning. It not only represents me returning to the basketball court, but also represents me returning to life. I've experienced the darkest time you can imagine...and...

Fortunately, I'm still here.